Sacrifice

After being in one bad relationship to another; I thought about giving up on life. I didn't feel like a person, more like a useless abused puppet with no emotions.
The things I saw and witnessed weren't humane. It couldn't be. The emotions felt were more harsh than the sound of a child's cry for help. There was this one time when I even felt like committing suicide. Then my life changed.

One day came when I met this strange young fellow. He was very quiet; a shy guy. A guy who you'd ask for his pen and he'd freeze and create this awkward aura around the two of you. But he was also very handsome, like if you walked down the street you'd have to look at him twice because well, he's hot stuff. I thought he was nothing special just a regular guy with thoughts that make you wanna turn your brain inside out and never exist. Then.. there came a time when we actually met.

After exchanging our numbers we talked 24/7. I realized that he's everything I wanted, what I was looking for. Of course being a teenager everyone thinks I'm being delusional. But I started to sense the butterflies I haven't felt in so long rush back to my stomach. I felt the urge to talk to him, every second of the day. I wanted to spend time with him and listen to his laugh, the sound was more than music to my ears; it was like stepping on soft pillows after walking through hot sand barefoot.

His personality was what really got to me though. Some could say he's not-your-typical-guy but I don't care, he's beautiful in every aspect. The way he looks and perceives his surroundings, every time he looks at something its never the same expression twice. He has the most charming smile and I feel like I could just look at it all day.

If I could do anything for him to express how much I love him, you could describe it as flying into space and gathering all of the star dust in a precious jar full of my feelings for him and creating the perfect galaxy with the brush of my fingertips. I'd cut off each blade of grass if the lawnmower was broken; maybe that's a little too far fetched but you know what I mean.

And the thing is-- I'm afraid  to lose myself in this person. To drown myself in him and indulge myself in his quirky body language. 

But then again, I'm willing to sacrifice my stone wall that I've built up just for him. 

Conflicted

When I have to deal with something, I usually keep it myself because I bottle it in. I go cruising around the city for a while. I read novels for hours on end. I workout for long periods of time. It’s hard for me to open up to people. That’s probably why people see me as relaxed and carefree while really, I’m just putting on a smile and act like everything is fine. I put on such a good front that I sometimes believe it myself. That I don’t have any problems but then it all comes back when I’m alone and hits me all at once and I have moments of weakness where I try by myself to figure out everything.

That’s just the way I deal with problems and most of the the time it works for me. I will get over it. I realize that I shouldn’t be thinking so much about it and I move on with my life but sometimes people do help me through problems that I can’t figure out myself.

I will tell people my problems if I trust them enough. I will either get a straight response; other times I get a sugar-coated one. The straight responses are the ones that let me see the hard truth about the problem. There’s no more having to go through a maze full of dead ends. They tell me how it is from their point of view and I take it depending on how I feel about it and the same with the sugar-coated responses; although they may give me the softened up response, the cushioned fall from it might help in figuring things out in another way.

Everybody has their own way to deal with their conflicts. Nobody has all the answers. Sometimes dealing with it in their own method is the way to go and others times another perspective is just what people need to figure things out.