Diary

I need to vent so I came here... There's a girl I know who I've known since freshman year. I've liked her for three years and asked her out in October. She said yes and we've been together since then. Problem is about a year and a half ago, we had a fight and she told her mom and she bashed on me hard. Her mom hated me. When I asked her out, she never told her mom. Time passed and we hung out a few times (once even at her house). We did couple stuff and she kept a diary about everything we did. Today her mom found her diary and read it. We have done things that a mother would not like. The thing is, I love this girl. A lot. She isn't just some sex doll or anything like that. She is perfect and I need her in my life. Her mom is crazy and is threatening to take her out of our school and get a restraining order on me. I don't know what to do. I feel powerless. Like, I can't do anything to change anything. That's it.

Overthinking

Over-thinking usually happens when you care a lot about something. Whether it is a girl, your safety, the consequences of yours or somebody else's actions, over-thinking just happens. It happens because we are scared of the unknown. We try to analyze the situation to the fullest.

"Why did this happen?" "What could I have done differently?" "What would he think?" "Is she thinking about me?" "Oh god, I messed up didn't I?"

It happens to all of us, more or less. To figure out the unknown and run through the scenarios in our mind for a time. It kills us inside when it happens. We become stressed and don't think straight. It can lead to doing stress-relieving and sometimes reckless things: drinking, smoking, having sex with strangers, playing basketball, talking to a friend, going on a run around the neighborhood, blowing up on a friend. Some of these activities will get your mind off of things...for a while, but the best way to handle these type of situations are to either do what you think will change what you are thinking about or to accept it for what it is. We all eventually have issues that we think heavily about. It's how you handle those issues that define you as a person.

Sacrifice

After being in one bad relationship to another; I thought about giving up on life. I didn't feel like a person, more like a useless abused puppet with no emotions.
The things I saw and witnessed weren't humane. It couldn't be. The emotions felt were more harsh than the sound of a child's cry for help. There was this one time when I even felt like committing suicide. Then my life changed.

One day came when I met this strange young fellow. He was very quiet; a shy guy. A guy who you'd ask for his pen and he'd freeze and create this awkward aura around the two of you. But he was also very handsome, like if you walked down the street you'd have to look at him twice because well, he's hot stuff. I thought he was nothing special just a regular guy with thoughts that make you wanna turn your brain inside out and never exist. Then.. there came a time when we actually met.

After exchanging our numbers we talked 24/7. I realized that he's everything I wanted, what I was looking for. Of course being a teenager everyone thinks I'm being delusional. But I started to sense the butterflies I haven't felt in so long rush back to my stomach. I felt the urge to talk to him, every second of the day. I wanted to spend time with him and listen to his laugh, the sound was more than music to my ears; it was like stepping on soft pillows after walking through hot sand barefoot.

His personality was what really got to me though. Some could say he's not-your-typical-guy but I don't care, he's beautiful in every aspect. The way he looks and perceives his surroundings, every time he looks at something its never the same expression twice. He has the most charming smile and I feel like I could just look at it all day.

If I could do anything for him to express how much I love him, you could describe it as flying into space and gathering all of the star dust in a precious jar full of my feelings for him and creating the perfect galaxy with the brush of my fingertips. I'd cut off each blade of grass if the lawnmower was broken; maybe that's a little too far fetched but you know what I mean.

And the thing is-- I'm afraid  to lose myself in this person. To drown myself in him and indulge myself in his quirky body language. 

But then again, I'm willing to sacrifice my stone wall that I've built up just for him. 

Conflicted

When I have to deal with something, I usually keep it myself because I bottle it in. I go cruising around the city for a while. I read novels for hours on end. I workout for long periods of time. It’s hard for me to open up to people. That’s probably why people see me as relaxed and carefree while really, I’m just putting on a smile and act like everything is fine. I put on such a good front that I sometimes believe it myself. That I don’t have any problems but then it all comes back when I’m alone and hits me all at once and I have moments of weakness where I try by myself to figure out everything.

That’s just the way I deal with problems and most of the the time it works for me. I will get over it. I realize that I shouldn’t be thinking so much about it and I move on with my life but sometimes people do help me through problems that I can’t figure out myself.

I will tell people my problems if I trust them enough. I will either get a straight response; other times I get a sugar-coated one. The straight responses are the ones that let me see the hard truth about the problem. There’s no more having to go through a maze full of dead ends. They tell me how it is from their point of view and I take it depending on how I feel about it and the same with the sugar-coated responses; although they may give me the softened up response, the cushioned fall from it might help in figuring things out in another way.

Everybody has their own way to deal with their conflicts. Nobody has all the answers. Sometimes dealing with it in their own method is the way to go and others times another perspective is just what people need to figure things out.

Lonely Through Habit

My perception of the next few years is awful. Sure, I'm going college, but I'm not even expecting my life to change at all. I'm staying at UMass Lowell, and the only change will be what time I go to school. Other than that, I will continue to be a hermit and workaholic. I don't think college will be fun at all.

I'm so bored with life. I don't do anything fun and I never hang out with anyone. I guess the reason I don't hang out with anyone is because I'd rather be alone. But then, while I am alone, I eat myself up about it and cry a lot. I don't even talk to anyone. Like. At all. Outside of school and work. I try, and people try to talk to me, but then I'm like "ew, not you," or I just find no interest in continuing the conversation. I usually only talk to my boyfriend, but he's grounded, so I'm just talking to nobody. And when it comes to hanging out with people. As I anticipate hanging out with them, all I anticipate is awkwardness and not knowing what to do, so I end up cancelling plans a lot.
I hate when people say, "Oh, you do have friends." Because I don't. I don't talk to anybody outside of school. Nobody knows me. Nobody understands me. People I thought were my friends, I tried to let them understand me, but then it turned into a contest of who's more depressed.

I also hate when people say I have fun, because I also don't do that. Every once in a while, I go somewhere and have fun. Like, I went to the aquarium, the beach, Old Orchard, some movies, the mall, Boston, and a concert. Each of those. Once. In the past year. Other than those five times, I've done nothing really. So I only do stuff like 10 days a year.

I also have a really bad habit of getting my hopes up. Like last night. I get my hopes up, get disappointed, go home and cry. Sometimes I hurt myself to distract myself. Sometimes I drive around like a maniac, hoping for some wild accident. Sometimes I realize "Oh wait, this happens all the fucking time, so I'm used to it." But now that's it's nice out, I've been dying to go out and have fun, but I have no one to go out with. That's why I'm writing this right now.

This happens a lot though. I end up alone in my room beating myself up pretty much every night. I hurt myself out of boredom every week. Because no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to leave my house.

I am really lonely.

Life is so boring. And even when I try to have fun, it doesn't work. So I guess all I'm going to do all summer is work and drive around and waste gas.

Realization

It was the one hardest night of my life. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was asking myself questions such as why it happened and why him. I just laid there awake waiting for the day I would leave for Texas and attend my cousin’s funeral. While I was laying there in the dark, it made me realize how life gives and takes.

The day came when we went on a plane to Texas. Once we got off the plane, my family and I went straight to the funeral. When we got there, it was hard to keep calm about everything that happened. I remember the looks on my relatives’ faces. It was the look of despair.  The look questioned why it had to happen to him and why the world was so cruel. Then the time came and I saw my cousin for the first time since summer break. We only got to see him once because why would anybody want to look at a person that died young, right? But it happened. We needed to see him before we sent him off. We had to say our goodbyes so that he didn't have to worry about us.

His skin was pale and his eyes were closed. I really couldn't believe it. I remember saying “We were just together a couple of months ago...and now look at where we are”. At this moment, I was angry. I wanted to find the people who did this to him and have them punished. But I realized that it wouldn't matter. It wasn't going to bring my cousin back. Still it made my heart hurt in a way it never did before. I looked up to him. I wanted to be just like him.

I went to his mother’s house later on. There, it felt different. I knew the place wouldn't ever be the same. There was always going to be something missing there. I looked around at all of my relatives and thought about it; people never realize what they have until it is gone.

This experience taught me to enjoy the time I have during this lifetime and to appreciate the people around me and how fortunate I am to have what has been given to me. Although I am very sad that this all happened, I believe I made the most out of a horrible situation, it’s what he would've wanted for me to do. To accept reality and life  for how it truly is. How it’ll give you good times and have you endure hard times, but it is how you react to the situation that defines you as a person. Enjoy life and enjoy the company that comes a lot with it as much as you can. You don’t know what life will throw at you next.

3 Years In The Making

It was like dream that I never did quite forget.

I was inside the kitchen of my best friends' house playing beer pong at the opening hours of a birthday party. Suddenly, the back door opened and there she was. Bright faced with definitive eyes and black sweater with tan short shorts. She was looking down, unsure of herself in a new place and of course she didn't notice me. She's beautiful. It was the silence in that moment that caught my breath and all I thought was, "I had to meet this girl." But right after the first few seconds, the person she came to the party with entered in too. She was with somebody.

Another party of having fun and being social. I really let down my guard and had a good attitude about having a good time which was weird, because I was usually anti-social. I looked to to alcohol and drugs to be my escape from the tough stuff. I had a lot of fun playing and winning beer pong with the guys but right after, I noticed the girl was singing karaoke and I wanted to sing too. She put on a couple sappy love songs I never heard of and since then, always associated the songs with her. I felt there was a connection by the way we talked and got a contact with her.

We started talking everyday. Talked about everything from what we liked to do, what we thought about things, music, art, poetry; the little things. Still, it never felt enough and that tension was always there. Honest, I never wanted to be the person who would covet her from another relationship even though I thought I was the best thing for her. I wanted her to make that realization and decision on her own and if she didn't, it was okay. It was getting harder to be her friend when I had all this passion raging inside of me and decided. I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and that she deserved an explanation but if she wanted it, she'd have to see perform a poem explaining it at an open mic.

She had seen me perform once already and thought it was fantastic. How I composed my poem and the way I used my hand gestures and body language, inspired her and made me feel infinite. Granted, she went there and left with someone else. But this time she saw me, I performed a self-depreciating monologue of how I wanted to be with her but it was too complicated. She got the jest of it but after, I didn't see her again. At first I was happy that I expressed myself the best way I could about how I felt, but then after, I was more lost than ever. I continued talking to her after but would only see her at the most random times that were also the busiest times. Not the right times like: I stopped her in the middle of walking to recite her a poem. I stopped by, even when I wasn't not sure she'll be there at her workplace, at closing time to give her food. I waited with her on a train platform while she was waiting on her train to school and I was waiting for a bus to a poetry class.

It got even harder to be her friend when all the while, she was always someone else's girlfriend and I was always busy trying to explore the world and find myself in it. It frustrated me because I knew she wanted to be with me too but had notion of living out some fairy tale type of love and I just wanted her to be happy.

On the eve of her birthday, I invited her to coffeehouse of poetry so I can see her and perform for her. I thought she was going to come even though I said, "It's your birthday. You can do whatever you want." I was dressed up in anticipation and excited because I knew it was my time to shine. But she never came and when it came my turn on stage, I stared at her empty seat. I was choking up really bad, almost in tears but I did the poem perfectly because I was hanging on to every word I wrote for her. What a performance it must have been with all my emotions out there! We got into a couple of awful fights after that and it ended so badly at one point. I got a text saying, I need to stop calling her and messaging her indefinitely. I could tell it wasn't her that wrote it, but it was from her phone so what can I do? I said goodbye as if it was the best option out of an ultimatum.

I kept myself busy with always going out to events, travelling and throwing parties in my attic. It was sort of a bachelor pad with my roommate where people would always want to hang out, asked if they could bring girls and beers. I got caught up in that world for a long time, wild parties that ended up in fights with girls always coming and going. My mom would open up the door for girls who would spend the night in my room but I never introduced them. I was content but lonely. I wasn't as involved in the poetry scene as I wanted to be but took a day off work with my best friend to participate in a poetry slam. I arrived a little late with the show already starting and walked as far back into the room as possible until I saw the girl I couldn't possibly forget again. It's been many months since we even talked, let alone see each other and the coffeehouse was the only place she knew I'd be at. She surprised me and I ended up surprising her back. The poems I memorized for the slam went out the door and I recited the original poem I wrote about her because I knew it by heart. We haven't stopped talking since then.

It's been 3 years since I first met her. It's been 3 weeks since I asked her to be my girlfriend. And now, it's been 3 hours since I last seen her face. I'm not sure how things are going to be from here on in. We both have trust issues from messed around on and don't really know how to fully love ourselves. Like she said, she can't promise me that everything will stay in its place. Just like our relationship, things are just bound to fall out of place. But the one thing I'm so proud of myself about being with her is, that I'm able to love this girl with everything I possess and I can do it so fearlessly. Even though she has broken my heart before and is quite capable of doing it again. She is the same amazing girl I met 3 years ago who inspires me to be who I always wanted to be. This person she thought she met 3 years ago.

This thing, I'm not giving up without a fight because I'm the hero of her fairy tale and I'll save her when the time comes.