It was like dream that I never did quite forget.
I was inside the kitchen of my best friends' house playing beer pong at the opening hours of a birthday party. Suddenly, the back door opened and there she was. Bright faced with definitive eyes and black sweater with tan short shorts. She was looking down, unsure of herself in a new place and of course she didn't notice me. She's beautiful. It was the silence in that moment that caught my breath and all I thought was, "I had to meet this girl." But right after the first few seconds, the person she came to the party with entered in too. She was with somebody.Another party of having fun and being social. I really let down my guard and had a good attitude about having a good time which was weird, because I was usually anti-social. I looked to to alcohol and drugs to be my escape from the tough stuff. I had a lot of fun playing and winning beer pong with the guys but right after, I noticed the girl was singing karaoke and I wanted to sing too. She put on a couple sappy love songs I never heard of and since then, always associated the songs with her. I felt there was a connection by the way we talked and got a contact with her.
We started talking everyday. Talked about everything from what we liked to do, what we thought about things, music, art, poetry; the little things. Still, it never felt enough and that tension was always there. Honest, I never wanted to be the person who would covet her from another relationship even though I thought I was the best thing for her. I wanted her to make that realization and decision on her own and if she didn't, it was okay. It was getting harder to be her friend when I had all this passion raging inside of me and decided. I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and that she deserved an explanation but if she wanted it, she'd have to see perform a poem explaining it at an open mic.
She had seen me perform once already and thought it was fantastic. How I composed my poem and the way I used my hand gestures and body language, inspired her and made me feel infinite. Granted, she went there and left with someone else. But this time she saw me, I performed a self-depreciating monologue of how I wanted to be with her but it was too complicated. She got the jest of it but after, I didn't see her again. At first I was happy that I expressed myself the best way I could about how I felt, but then after, I was more lost than ever. I continued talking to her after but would only see her at the most random times that were also the busiest times. Not the right times like: I stopped her in the middle of walking to recite her a poem. I stopped by, even when I wasn't not sure she'll be there at her workplace, at closing time to give her food. I waited with her on a train platform while she was waiting on her train to school and I was waiting for a bus to a poetry class.
It got even harder to be her friend when all the while, she was always someone else's girlfriend and I was always busy trying to explore the world and find myself in it. It frustrated me because I knew she wanted to be with me too but had notion of living out some fairy tale type of love and I just wanted her to be happy.
On the eve of her birthday, I invited her to coffeehouse of poetry so I can see her and perform for her. I thought she was going to come even though I said, "It's your birthday. You can do whatever you want." I was dressed up in anticipation and excited because I knew it was my time to shine. But she never came and when it came my turn on stage, I stared at her empty seat. I was choking up really bad, almost in tears but I did the poem perfectly because I was hanging on to every word I wrote for her. What a performance it must have been with all my emotions out there! We got into a couple of awful fights after that and it ended so badly at one point. I got a text saying, I need to stop calling her and messaging her indefinitely. I could tell it wasn't her that wrote it, but it was from her phone so what can I do? I said goodbye as if it was the best option out of an ultimatum.
I kept myself busy with always going out to events, travelling and throwing parties in my attic. It was sort of a bachelor pad with my roommate where people would always want to hang out, asked if they could bring girls and beers. I got caught up in that world for a long time, wild parties that ended up in fights with girls always coming and going. My mom would open up the door for girls who would spend the night in my room but I never introduced them. I was content but lonely. I wasn't as involved in the poetry scene as I wanted to be but took a day off work with my best friend to participate in a poetry slam. I arrived a little late with the show already starting and walked as far back into the room as possible until I saw the girl I couldn't possibly forget again. It's been many months since we even talked, let alone see each other and the coffeehouse was the only place she knew I'd be at. She surprised me and I ended up surprising her back. The poems I memorized for the slam went out the door and I recited the original poem I wrote about her because I knew it by heart. We haven't stopped talking since then.
It's been 3 years since I first met her. It's been 3 weeks since I asked her to be my girlfriend. And now, it's been 3 hours since I last seen her face. I'm not sure how things are going to be from here on in. We both have trust issues from messed around on and don't really know how to fully love ourselves. Like she said, she can't promise me that everything will stay in its place. Just like our relationship, things are just bound to fall out of place. But the one thing I'm so proud of myself about being with her is, that I'm able to love this girl with everything I possess and I can do it so fearlessly. Even though she has broken my heart before and is quite capable of doing it again. She is the same amazing girl I met 3 years ago who inspires me to be who I always wanted to be. This person she thought she met 3 years ago.
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