Lonely Through Habit

My perception of the next few years is awful. Sure, I'm going college, but I'm not even expecting my life to change at all. I'm staying at UMass Lowell, and the only change will be what time I go to school. Other than that, I will continue to be a hermit and workaholic. I don't think college will be fun at all.

I'm so bored with life. I don't do anything fun and I never hang out with anyone. I guess the reason I don't hang out with anyone is because I'd rather be alone. But then, while I am alone, I eat myself up about it and cry a lot. I don't even talk to anyone. Like. At all. Outside of school and work. I try, and people try to talk to me, but then I'm like "ew, not you," or I just find no interest in continuing the conversation. I usually only talk to my boyfriend, but he's grounded, so I'm just talking to nobody. And when it comes to hanging out with people. As I anticipate hanging out with them, all I anticipate is awkwardness and not knowing what to do, so I end up cancelling plans a lot.
I hate when people say, "Oh, you do have friends." Because I don't. I don't talk to anybody outside of school. Nobody knows me. Nobody understands me. People I thought were my friends, I tried to let them understand me, but then it turned into a contest of who's more depressed.

I also hate when people say I have fun, because I also don't do that. Every once in a while, I go somewhere and have fun. Like, I went to the aquarium, the beach, Old Orchard, some movies, the mall, Boston, and a concert. Each of those. Once. In the past year. Other than those five times, I've done nothing really. So I only do stuff like 10 days a year.

I also have a really bad habit of getting my hopes up. Like last night. I get my hopes up, get disappointed, go home and cry. Sometimes I hurt myself to distract myself. Sometimes I drive around like a maniac, hoping for some wild accident. Sometimes I realize "Oh wait, this happens all the fucking time, so I'm used to it." But now that's it's nice out, I've been dying to go out and have fun, but I have no one to go out with. That's why I'm writing this right now.

This happens a lot though. I end up alone in my room beating myself up pretty much every night. I hurt myself out of boredom every week. Because no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to leave my house.

I am really lonely.

Life is so boring. And even when I try to have fun, it doesn't work. So I guess all I'm going to do all summer is work and drive around and waste gas.