Lonely Through Habit

My perception of the next few years is awful. Sure, I'm going college, but I'm not even expecting my life to change at all. I'm staying at UMass Lowell, and the only change will be what time I go to school. Other than that, I will continue to be a hermit and workaholic. I don't think college will be fun at all.

I'm so bored with life. I don't do anything fun and I never hang out with anyone. I guess the reason I don't hang out with anyone is because I'd rather be alone. But then, while I am alone, I eat myself up about it and cry a lot. I don't even talk to anyone. Like. At all. Outside of school and work. I try, and people try to talk to me, but then I'm like "ew, not you," or I just find no interest in continuing the conversation. I usually only talk to my boyfriend, but he's grounded, so I'm just talking to nobody. And when it comes to hanging out with people. As I anticipate hanging out with them, all I anticipate is awkwardness and not knowing what to do, so I end up cancelling plans a lot.
I hate when people say, "Oh, you do have friends." Because I don't. I don't talk to anybody outside of school. Nobody knows me. Nobody understands me. People I thought were my friends, I tried to let them understand me, but then it turned into a contest of who's more depressed.

I also hate when people say I have fun, because I also don't do that. Every once in a while, I go somewhere and have fun. Like, I went to the aquarium, the beach, Old Orchard, some movies, the mall, Boston, and a concert. Each of those. Once. In the past year. Other than those five times, I've done nothing really. So I only do stuff like 10 days a year.

I also have a really bad habit of getting my hopes up. Like last night. I get my hopes up, get disappointed, go home and cry. Sometimes I hurt myself to distract myself. Sometimes I drive around like a maniac, hoping for some wild accident. Sometimes I realize "Oh wait, this happens all the fucking time, so I'm used to it." But now that's it's nice out, I've been dying to go out and have fun, but I have no one to go out with. That's why I'm writing this right now.

This happens a lot though. I end up alone in my room beating myself up pretty much every night. I hurt myself out of boredom every week. Because no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to leave my house.

I am really lonely.

Life is so boring. And even when I try to have fun, it doesn't work. So I guess all I'm going to do all summer is work and drive around and waste gas.

Realization

It was the one hardest night of my life. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was asking myself questions such as why it happened and why him. I just laid there awake waiting for the day I would leave for Texas and attend my cousin’s funeral. While I was laying there in the dark, it made me realize how life gives and takes.

The day came when we went on a plane to Texas. Once we got off the plane, my family and I went straight to the funeral. When we got there, it was hard to keep calm about everything that happened. I remember the looks on my relatives’ faces. It was the look of despair.  The look questioned why it had to happen to him and why the world was so cruel. Then the time came and I saw my cousin for the first time since summer break. We only got to see him once because why would anybody want to look at a person that died young, right? But it happened. We needed to see him before we sent him off. We had to say our goodbyes so that he didn't have to worry about us.

His skin was pale and his eyes were closed. I really couldn't believe it. I remember saying “We were just together a couple of months ago...and now look at where we are”. At this moment, I was angry. I wanted to find the people who did this to him and have them punished. But I realized that it wouldn't matter. It wasn't going to bring my cousin back. Still it made my heart hurt in a way it never did before. I looked up to him. I wanted to be just like him.

I went to his mother’s house later on. There, it felt different. I knew the place wouldn't ever be the same. There was always going to be something missing there. I looked around at all of my relatives and thought about it; people never realize what they have until it is gone.

This experience taught me to enjoy the time I have during this lifetime and to appreciate the people around me and how fortunate I am to have what has been given to me. Although I am very sad that this all happened, I believe I made the most out of a horrible situation, it’s what he would've wanted for me to do. To accept reality and life  for how it truly is. How it’ll give you good times and have you endure hard times, but it is how you react to the situation that defines you as a person. Enjoy life and enjoy the company that comes a lot with it as much as you can. You don’t know what life will throw at you next.

3 Years In The Making

It was like dream that I never did quite forget.

I was inside the kitchen of my best friends' house playing beer pong at the opening hours of a birthday party. Suddenly, the back door opened and there she was. Bright faced with definitive eyes and black sweater with tan short shorts. She was looking down, unsure of herself in a new place and of course she didn't notice me. She's beautiful. It was the silence in that moment that caught my breath and all I thought was, "I had to meet this girl." But right after the first few seconds, the person she came to the party with entered in too. She was with somebody.

Another party of having fun and being social. I really let down my guard and had a good attitude about having a good time which was weird, because I was usually anti-social. I looked to to alcohol and drugs to be my escape from the tough stuff. I had a lot of fun playing and winning beer pong with the guys but right after, I noticed the girl was singing karaoke and I wanted to sing too. She put on a couple sappy love songs I never heard of and since then, always associated the songs with her. I felt there was a connection by the way we talked and got a contact with her.

We started talking everyday. Talked about everything from what we liked to do, what we thought about things, music, art, poetry; the little things. Still, it never felt enough and that tension was always there. Honest, I never wanted to be the person who would covet her from another relationship even though I thought I was the best thing for her. I wanted her to make that realization and decision on her own and if she didn't, it was okay. It was getting harder to be her friend when I had all this passion raging inside of me and decided. I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and that she deserved an explanation but if she wanted it, she'd have to see perform a poem explaining it at an open mic.

She had seen me perform once already and thought it was fantastic. How I composed my poem and the way I used my hand gestures and body language, inspired her and made me feel infinite. Granted, she went there and left with someone else. But this time she saw me, I performed a self-depreciating monologue of how I wanted to be with her but it was too complicated. She got the jest of it but after, I didn't see her again. At first I was happy that I expressed myself the best way I could about how I felt, but then after, I was more lost than ever. I continued talking to her after but would only see her at the most random times that were also the busiest times. Not the right times like: I stopped her in the middle of walking to recite her a poem. I stopped by, even when I wasn't not sure she'll be there at her workplace, at closing time to give her food. I waited with her on a train platform while she was waiting on her train to school and I was waiting for a bus to a poetry class.

It got even harder to be her friend when all the while, she was always someone else's girlfriend and I was always busy trying to explore the world and find myself in it. It frustrated me because I knew she wanted to be with me too but had notion of living out some fairy tale type of love and I just wanted her to be happy.

On the eve of her birthday, I invited her to coffeehouse of poetry so I can see her and perform for her. I thought she was going to come even though I said, "It's your birthday. You can do whatever you want." I was dressed up in anticipation and excited because I knew it was my time to shine. But she never came and when it came my turn on stage, I stared at her empty seat. I was choking up really bad, almost in tears but I did the poem perfectly because I was hanging on to every word I wrote for her. What a performance it must have been with all my emotions out there! We got into a couple of awful fights after that and it ended so badly at one point. I got a text saying, I need to stop calling her and messaging her indefinitely. I could tell it wasn't her that wrote it, but it was from her phone so what can I do? I said goodbye as if it was the best option out of an ultimatum.

I kept myself busy with always going out to events, travelling and throwing parties in my attic. It was sort of a bachelor pad with my roommate where people would always want to hang out, asked if they could bring girls and beers. I got caught up in that world for a long time, wild parties that ended up in fights with girls always coming and going. My mom would open up the door for girls who would spend the night in my room but I never introduced them. I was content but lonely. I wasn't as involved in the poetry scene as I wanted to be but took a day off work with my best friend to participate in a poetry slam. I arrived a little late with the show already starting and walked as far back into the room as possible until I saw the girl I couldn't possibly forget again. It's been many months since we even talked, let alone see each other and the coffeehouse was the only place she knew I'd be at. She surprised me and I ended up surprising her back. The poems I memorized for the slam went out the door and I recited the original poem I wrote about her because I knew it by heart. We haven't stopped talking since then.

It's been 3 years since I first met her. It's been 3 weeks since I asked her to be my girlfriend. And now, it's been 3 hours since I last seen her face. I'm not sure how things are going to be from here on in. We both have trust issues from messed around on and don't really know how to fully love ourselves. Like she said, she can't promise me that everything will stay in its place. Just like our relationship, things are just bound to fall out of place. But the one thing I'm so proud of myself about being with her is, that I'm able to love this girl with everything I possess and I can do it so fearlessly. Even though she has broken my heart before and is quite capable of doing it again. She is the same amazing girl I met 3 years ago who inspires me to be who I always wanted to be. This person she thought she met 3 years ago.

This thing, I'm not giving up without a fight because I'm the hero of her fairy tale and I'll save her when the time comes.

Endless Possibilities

It all started on a hot summer day. I just got out of work after a long day. Just when I’m about to head home I get a call from a friend asking to go a get-together for a friend’s birthday that I didn't know very well, but he insisted. I reluctantly agreed since it would allow me to meet some new people and hang back a bit. I get there and surprising see my cousin there. It’s been kind of weird between our families but it was nice to see him since its been awhile. It was there at the gathering that I met all these different people that I've heard of but never spoken to or seen before. The night was a success, I got to know new people and it was fun, but there was this one girl in particular that sparked my interest. She was one of the most interesting people that I had met. It was the start of what seemed like an eternity. It was the beginning of a long journey of happiness and sadness, but nothing I would ever take back.

We started off with just regular small talk and invites to other small get-togethers. As I kept going to the gatherings we just kept connecting and it became obvious to all of our friends that we had something. At this point my friends tried to stop me from going any farther and to discontinue talking to her. She had a reputation of being a flirt and that I wasn't going to get anywhere with her. Being the stubborn person I am, I brushed off what they said and continued to talk to her. We chatted everyday stayed up late into the night webcamming each other. It was great. I didn't connect to a girl like this for a long time and I didn't want it to stop.

I was going to do it. I was going to ask her out. I had a feeling that if I didn't do it I was going to regret it and beat myself up over it. I did it while we were alone and away from our now regular group of friends. I prepared a speech and everything but when the moment came, I forgot everything and just said the words “Will you go out with me?” The tension was high. Seconds felt like hours. I just wanted to get it over with at that point. When she said the word “Yes”, a huge weight lifted off my chest and a rush of happiness came to me.

Not long after this, she told me that my cousin had feelings for her and that he asked her out Christmas, but she gave him an unsure answer. The same cousin that I finally got to see more of. I knew something was going to happen soon. I had just taken the girl that my cousin liked. The girl and my cousin have known each other for from what I can remember about five years. They were really good friends. Every one of our friends tried hiding the fact that we were going out because we wanted to good time to tell him, but realized too late that there was never going to be a good time and that would be the downfall of relationships. I knew he started getting suspicious because of how much the girl and I talked. That was when he asked our friends if we were dating or not. The first friend said no while my cousin and the girl’s best friend said that we definitely were dating. This is the point where a  bunch of drama happens.

My cousin was angry. He said he was angry because of the fact we were hiding it from it and we shouldn't be lying to him about it. It was wrong, yes, but I knew the real reason why he was angry. The reason why he didn't even want to talk to us anymore. It was because in under a month, I got together with the girl he had his eyes set on for years. I just swept in out of nowhere and took over. Now things were bad with my cousin and her other best friend. I wondered if should just break up with her and end the drama and kept coming to the thought in my head that “We both like each and want to be together, but he is your family”. It was difficult. If I knew about all this before, I wouldn't have asked her out. There was no going back though. I knew he would of been mad if we broke up because he didn't want to be the reason why we broke up so I decided to keep the relationship going with her. Despite the huge argument between her, her best friend and my cousin, the rest of the summer went well. I was in love and didn't want things to get between us.
It was when college started, things started to falling apart. We went to different colleges cities apart. She started to just drop the calls suddenly when we were talking simply because people came to talk to her. It got to the point where we started to talk less and less and our relationship was fading. A text message finally came about how she wanted to break up. I was conflicted with the feeling of being sad and angry. I was sad because all of it ended, but I was kind of expecting it because of how things were going. What made me very angry was the fact that she did it over text message and that she’ll talk to me later about it because how she was about to go off to dinner with some friends. After a long and difficult to handle discussion with her, it was finally officially over. I started the process of healing, feelings started to fade and I began the better myself as a person.

Today I don’t know if staying with her was the right call, but after everything that happened, I wouldn't take it back. Everybody else’s relationship reconciled and I don’t hold it against her for doing what she did. You can’t be angry at a person forever. Everything that I gained after this experience has transformed me into what I believe, a stronger individual. It allowed me to open my heart to a person and it also taught how to better handle situations. Love is a risk and the heart is its battlefield. When love takes place, you allow a person into your heart and allow them to have control over your feelings; it is unpredictable, many things can happen and it can get you down but the feeling of happiness it gives is beyond one’s imagination.

What do you do?

When the person you love keeps hurting you, but you're always stupid enough to come back to them? When they tell you they miss you, need you, can't live without you, but when you're not looking, they are unfaithful to you?

When you hope and hope that given another chance, they will change. When you convince yourself that if you just showed a bit more affection, everything would be fixed.

When you try to make them love you back... All in vain.

Just tell me that you don't want me. Tell me that you don't need me. Tell me to vanish from your life and that you won't miss me one bit. Tell me you'd be happier with that other person. Tell me that leaving you would be the right thing to do.

Because what you're doing now is killing me, even more than those words would.

Letters to a Stranger

It's been 19 years and I still don't really know my old man. I mean, it does make sense because I just met him 9 years ago.

My mother gave birth to me at such a young age. I think she was 17 or 18 when I was born. Gosh. Then my father went to prison before I was even a year old. From there on out, the struggles of a single parent and overbearing of a fatherless son made my mother's life difficult.

Growing up without a father wasn't too bad. I remember since the time I learned how to read and write, this mysterious man who told me to call him "daddy" would request letters from me to be sent at some prison in Plymouth, MA. I was a little kid. I didn't really understand what I was doing. I was suppose to share my love and compassion with some guy my mom trashed talked about every time he was brought up. This man was writing back saying he loved his son so much, and he misses me and that he wishes he could push me on a swing at a park instead of staring at concrete walls everyday. I didn't know what to do, so I wrote back telling him I miss him and love him too even though it felt like a chore and my mom was just forcing me to write to him so he wouldn't write angry letters to her about why I don't write enough.

I was 10 years old when this man showed up at my house;

Hey, do you remember me? 
No..?
I'm your dad!

The first few months of bonding with my father was very strange to me. Never have I ever grew up calling someone dad. My mom had her share with few other men, but I only saw them as monsters trying to take my mom away from me. 

Then he turned into a completely different guy. The first time he yelled at me was at my grandmas house. Ever since then, I never really liked talking to him and our relationship went through a spiraling roller coaster.

He tried to make it up now. Bought me a car for $1000 last year. And then I crashed it about 7 months later.

I don't want/expect him to buy me another car. I don't expect him to do anything for me anymore.  Right now, I'm hoping to get a second job at the most wonderful coffee shop, I'm moving out of my home into an apartment with friends, and try to save up enough money as I can. Maybe for another $1000 car.

"Can I use the bathroom?"

We all have fond memories of our childhood, whether it’s learning to
ride a bike, a first kiss, or family vacations. Childhood is the
happiest time of most people’s lives. Some memories, however, are not
quite as pleasant. One traumatic experience has left a permanent stain
on my otherwise wonderful childhood. What I’m referring to is the time
I peed my pants in the first grade.

It was about a decade and a half ago, in 1999. I was a young,
wide-eyed six-year-old. That particular day, my first grade class was
in gym. Mr. V, our gym teacher, was teaching us the fine art of
dodgeball. Mr. V was a tall man who reminded me of a wooden
two-by-four. His back was always completely straight, he had broad
shoulders, and I don’t think I ever saw him bend his knees even once.
If I didn't know any better, I might have thought he had a long steel
pole strapped to his back.

Anyway, I was playing especially well that day. I remember hitting my
friend Joey square in the face, and catching a ball that another
person threw at me. I felt untouchable. Unfortunately, Mother Nature
cares not for how in the zone one might be in a game of dodgeball. I
suddenly had to sue the little boys’ room, but it wasn't an emergency
so I continued to play. After a few minutes, though, I knew I had
better get to the bathroom. I called a time-out (which didn't stop
Joey from trying to get payback for earlier), and approached Mr. V.

“Can I use the bathroom?” I asked.

He didn't respond, so I asked again.

“Mr. V, can I go use the bathroom?”

“Huh!?” he yelled back, “Oh, yeah, go ahead.”

His upper lip was coated in sweat and the vein on his beet-red
forehead was throbbing dangerously.

So I left the gymnasium and stepped into the hallway. I was exhausted
so I made a bee-line for the water bubbler. The cold water was
extremely refreshing, but it also reminded me of why I left the gym in
the first place.

I continued on my way to the bathroom, when I ran into my older
cousin, a 7th grader. He stopped me to ask why I was in the hall, and
we got to chatting for a couple minutes. I might have seemed fine on
the surface to my cousin, but inside I was in anguish. I had to cut
the conversation short and continue on my way. There was a sense of
urgency in my step now. Things hadn't reached a boiling point yet
though, so I may have been in a rush but I wasn't too worried.

There it was! The old, wooden bathroom door had finally come into
sight. I was close enough to read the sign that said “BOYS/NINOS.” I
had never been so happy to inhale the suffocating odor of urinal
cakes. I thought I was home free when I looked down and noticed that
one of my Nikes was untied. “Don’t want to trip,” I thought, so I bent
down to tie the laces.

I got down on one knee and struggled to remember the rhyme about bunny
ears and loop-de-loops. I finally got the laces tied when I suddenly
felt a pleasant warmth spread through my trousers. At first, I thought
I was imagining things. Then, the horrible reality set in.

“Oh God. No. Please, no!” I pleaded with nobody in particular. I ran
into the bathroom and surveyed the damage in the mirror. Why did I
choose that day, of all days, to wear khakis? There was no way to hide
it. This was surely the end of my social life. Another kid had an
accident a few weeks earlier and he still sat alone at lunch. I was
doomed.

I decided to face the music and head back to the gym. I ran over to
Mr. V and asked to go to the nurse. He looked at the wet spot and
yelped, “Oh jeez!” Great. Just great.

The nurse called my mom to come get me. Maybe I would escape without
anyone seeing me after all! And then, she told me to go get my stuff
from my classroom. She couldn't be serious. I managed to get out with
my life and here she was, throwing me back to the wolves.

Helpless, I went to my classroom. My friends were back from gym, so I
had to walk past them all. I stared straight ahead, eyes slowly
watering up, lip quivering like Michael J. Fox in a vibrating chair.
Strangely, no one had said anything yet. I grabbed my coat, tied it
around my waist, and held my backpack squarely in front of me. My
teacher asked where I was going but I did not reply. I just kept
walking, hearing her futile cries follow me out in the hallway.

I closed the door behind me, waiting for the class to erupt in
laughter. A few seconds went by and I didn't hear anything. Could it
be? Was it possible? Had I gone into the midst of a pack of rabid
schoolchildren and escaped unscathed? It was unheard of. I imagine it
to be similar to jumping in a shark tank covered in fish guts and
getting out without a scratch.

My mom arrived and I quickly changed and stuffed the incriminating
evidence into a plastic bag. So I guess I beat the system. Middle
school would not claim me as a victim that day. I would not be made
into a social pariah. I would become just another statistic. At least
not until a couple weeks later when I accidentally took off my shirt
in the middle of class. You can’t win them all, right?

Sophomore Year Promise

I fell in love with this girl unknowingly...I guess it just happened. We met freshman year of high school, first as "just someone I knew." It felt like there wasn't much of a presence going on between us. She was just that "oh yea I know her" chick, or that “I know who you talking bout" girl. She knew me as "the crippled kid" because of my cast.  Then one day I decided to take the bus and she sat next me and it was cool. I caught a glimpse of her iPod, "Scary Kids Scaring Kids," it blew my mind! I didn't think she would listen to that kind of music. At that moment she was the coolest girl I had ever met...but I wasn't in love with her. So I showed her some other bands and we became acquainted. We had the same classes and we started copying homework from another…well I mostly did.  We became good friends and invited each other to things, walked home together with friends, and just hung out whenever we could. And still I wasn't in love with her.

Sophomore year starts. Everyone runs around “what lunch do you have,” “Crap where’s this room,” and “NO! I have that teacher!” Turns out we don’t have anything together, or at least that’s what I remember. But that didn't matter, I walked to her to class and we saw each other every day.

Sophomore year was the pinnacle of our relationship. But I wasn’t in love with her.

After a while, guys started to have crushes on her and she started to have crushes on guys. She was a very careful person when it came to talking to other guys. I was different though, I never came on to her strong, I kept my distance, and she still spoke to me. Our relationship started to become deeper, she trusted me and I trusted her too. Then she told me that she’s the reason that people leave her, but I disagreed. So she told me to make her a promise, one that would have made her hate me if I broke it. “Promise me, that you will never leave me.” I promised her, she didn't believe me. I held her, looked in her eyes, and said “I promise you, I will never leave you.” Days went by as usual, but I started to notice her smile, and her laugh, and it was cute. I started to notice the cuteness in her. It started to hit me, “wow I think I like her.” But I wasn't in love with her.

I told her I liked her, she thought I was crazy, I even thought I was crazy. But nothing changed; we were still hanging out the same as before. There were times where we had our moments, but I respected her and didn't push too hard. Then I found out she was leaving, but just for a vacation. Before she left, she said it was urgent that I go to her house. When I went there, it was like any normal day. But then she told me…”I like you too.” That’s when fireworks went off and I became the happiest person in the world.

I told her I wouldn't forget her while she was gone. So I would call and text her over time to see how she was doing and if she was having. It was going great; I couldn't wait for her to come back. Every day became exciting, just knowing that I’ll see her soon. I know it sounds creepy, but it had been so long since I felt that way for someone. She was also the first girl I gave all my effort to. It felt good to have liked someone and them like you back. But as time went on, texts were not responded and calls became short. When she came back, she didn't like me anymore and we drifted apart almost to complete strangers. The pain and heart break settled in but I made sure to keep my composure.  She didn't like me anymore and I didn't like her either. Not because she didn't like me anymore and I was upset, but because I was in love with her.

I Was In Love (part I)

Everyone has got their high school love story. Whether it was a good or bad one, they'll always look back on it as that reminder; "I was in love."

I was an ordinary high school senior. Went to school most of the time, did my homework whenever I felt like it. Life was easy; nothing to worry about but myself.

During lunch period, my friends and I did what all the other kids did: toss our leftover french fries into the canal and watch the fishes eat. As they were all enjoy the simple laughter,  I turned around, and there she was, walking out of the doorway with her long black hair fighting against the wind. During the time, my taste in woman's fashion was weird, and she happened to be wearing what i liked on girls. Wearing an army green button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. Dark blue washed up skin tight jeans. Beige beanie, and a pair of black Adidas skate shoes.

My friends saw that I was staring at her and gave that "ooOOooo he's got a cruuusshhh". Well, they weren't wrong, I had to know her.

The following couple of weeks, I asked my friends if anyone of them knew her; "what's her name", "what is she like", stuff like that. Out of coincidence, I realized I kept seeing her everywhere and my heart raced a little more each time. Finally, I got to talk to a friend who was good friends with the girl. My friend intentionally tried to hook us up by having me and her hang out with some friends. Even with that set up, I was too chicken to talk to her. It was embarrassing. Given the chance to get to know someone you like but not say a word to them.

One night, I sat on my computer surfing the web, myspacing and whatnot. I got an instant message from someone named VagrantSoarx. Apparently someone had given the girl my AIM SN. We started talking through that. I felt comfortable with her. She asked for my phone number and I gave it to her. Later that night, we talked hours on end about the most random things to personal stories. It was the first time I've ever really had a phone conversation and I loved every second of it.

Couple of months pass by. Her and I have been talking and hanging out a lot, I even walked her home a couple of times. It was almost Christmas Day. I was out of town doing work with my brother and taking care of this rich lady's house while she was on vacation. A week before Christmas, me and her decided that we should exchange gifts on Christmas Eve. That day, I came back to Lowell to celebrate Christmas with my family and friends. Afterwards, I grabbed the gift I had gotten for her and headed to her house.

Knocking on the door, I became nervous. I didn't know what to expect. She opens the door. I remember clearly, she was dressed up in a Christmas themed PJs with reindeer slippers and a Santa hat holding a white coffee mug filled with hot chocolate. She invited me in. It was the first time I've stepped inside her home. She had told me that no one in her family likes to decorate the house during the holidays, so she's usually the one that makes all the magic. And looking at her tree, she did an amazing job.

We sat down in her living room. We both had our gifts ready to give to each other. She tells me to open the small gift she got me first. It was a black and white necklace. I laughed at her for not noticing that the tags were still on it telling me where and how much she bought it. I handed her my small gift. She opened it with a smile on her face. It was a silver necklace with a robot pendant. She told me how much she loved robots. She gave me a huge hug and thanked me for the gift.

All that was left were our big bags. We decided we should open them at the same time. At the end of the count of 3, we both were laughing. I had gotten her a panda bear, and she got me a penguin. We had this thing where I'd call her a penguin and she'd call me a panda.

There was a moment of silence. She looked at me knowing I wanted to say something. I took the panda I had given her and sat it next to the penguin she got me. In doing so, I sat next to her. And then I finally asked her the question, "Will you be my girlfriend?"

She answered with a joyful yes and followed up with a surprising kiss.

7 Year Crush

I met him in high school my freshman year during band camp back in 2004. One of my friends introduced me to him. She dragged me over to this tall lanky (but rather handsome) boy and rather than tell him my name she said, "Smell him." And that's how we met; in the most awkward, unsettling way possible. He smelled great.

I was extremely shy and depressed in high school. I had few close friends and no one really bothered to talk to me because they thought I was "intimidating". But not him. The only time we ever hung out in high school was after band practice but that was enough for me. We would go to Kennedy's and buy Big Burst (only the blue ones) and then walk to the bus stop on Shattuck Street that we dubbed "The Sexy Stop". If you go down there today, out names are still scribbled on the bricks arched above a canal. We would talk and antagonize each other with tickles. He would cheer me up when I was upset and I would give him my Jell-o from lunch.

One night I realized "I think I actually like this kid." Over the course of the next year, I would pursue his love. I wasn't subtle about it either. I wrote him a letter telling him how much I liked him, asked him to a school dance, my best friend was his cousin so I had her talk to him but all my attempts we futile. He just didn't want to be with me...not like that anyways. Eventually, I gave up. He was two years older, graduating, and moving to Maine. Eventually I started dating another boy in 2005. I just didn't want to be alone anymore and going after some guy who only wanted me as a friend.

 After a few months, my boyfriend and I broke up. I still had feelings for that tall goofy kid but I knew it wouldn't work out. Shortly before graduation, I told him I still liked him. He said he liked me too but I just assumed he meant as a friend. He left for Maine and I settled for the boy who dumped me a few month prior. I was content with my current boyfriend but sometimes I caught myself wondering "what if". What if I wasn't so shy? What if I was prettier? Would he like me? Eventually those feelings faded, though I did find myself checking his Facebook every so often.

Four years past by before we spoke again. Out of the blue in the spring of 2010, I got a message from my high school crush asking how I was. I was a completely different person from the person I was in high school. I was more confident even to the point of being cocky, I wasn't as shy, and I had developed from an awkward teenager into a young 20 year old woman. I told him how I was in college for interior design and need an extra year to obtain my degree. He told me he was graduating in May but  was currently working on a fishing boat. He asked if we could hang out sometime. I said sure just to humor him. I thought it would be another one of those empty promises old friends made to each other.

That summer, he messaged me again and this time with an actual plan to reunite with me. So the day after my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend, I found myself sitting in the front seat of my high school crush's Chevy. That night we decided to be nostalgic and do everything we did in high school. We went to Kennedy's, we went to the bus stop, and after that we went to the park just to goof off. The whole time I loved it. The whole time I had butterflies in my stomach. And the whole time I felt horribly guilty. What was I doing! Flirting with some guy who had dropped out of my life for 4 years. How could I still even remotely want him the day after my 4 year anniversary with my current boyfriend. He had a girlfriend (I saw her picture on his dashboard) and I had a boyfriend (I kept reiterating that fact over and over primarily to remind myself) but from our actions that night, it did not seem like it.

He called me while I was driving later that week. My boyfriend answered the phone for me. I guess he didn't expect to hear my boyfriend's voice instead of mine because he never called me back.

In the beginning of 2011, my boyfriend of 4 and a half years dumped me. Heart broken, I didn't see myself with anyone else any time soon. About a month after that in February, I was sitting in a lecture bored and not paying attention. I went on Facebook and saw my high school crush had posted something. I messaged him asking if he wanted to hang out over my spring break and to my surprise he said yes.

He picked me in his truck and the first thing I noticed was that his girlfriend's picture was gone. Now, I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. But I wanted to get closer to him. We decided to watch The Fighter. The entire time he was doing that "I'm resting my arm on the back of your chair but I'm really trying to put it around your should" maneuver. Eventually he gave up and said "Feel how cold my hands are!" We ended up holding hands the entire time. He took me back to his house and long story short I woke up the next day dazed and confused in someone else's bedroom. "Well, there goes that." I thought. If this was only a one nightstand, frankly, I was glad it was with him. And that was the end of that.

Except it wasn't. He texted me a few days later asking if I want to hang out again. "BOOTY CALL" was all that was going through my head. But I was single, lonely, and loved being with him. He took the train down to Boston on St. Patrick's day to hang out with me. I wanted to know if I was just a booty call and what was going on between us. "I really like you" he said. "I didn't want to sleep with you that night because I thought it would ruin things." This was a surprise. He told me he has always liked me but didn't think it would work. He had gone off to Maine and I was still in high school. He would still be in Maine when I started college. He told me I "was the girl that got away" and that he wanted to hang out with me over the summer but when my then boyfriend picked up the phone, he felt like the biggest scumbag ever. He told me he wanted to be with me but I wasn't ready. I needed more time.

We hung out twice a week after that and texted each other constantly. I wanted to be with him so bad but I still wasn't sure if I was ready. I was heart broken and I wasn't sure if it would work between us. It was so sudden and so random.

Then came the what I endearingly call "The Cheese Incident". It was around 10 at night towards the end of March and we were texting each other. Somehow the subject of grilled cheese came up. I told him I wanted to make some but didn't have any cheese. He said he had a lot of cheese and I jokingly said to bring some. He went on about how it's too late, neither of us would sleep, he didn't even know how to drive to my dorm. He told me to give him my address and he'll visit in the morning. After that he told me he had to shower and get stuff out of his car. Forty five minutes later he texted me and asked where to park. "What?" "I'm on Longwood. Where should I park?" He drove all the way to Boston, in the middle of the night, to bring me cheese. And it wasn't like he came just to sleep with me (thanks Aunt Flo).  He came all the way down to Boston at midnight just to be with me (and give me cheese). A week later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said "yes".

It took seven to get where we are today. Seven years for the right moment. Seven years were worth it. He still smells great.

Just Gotta Have Hope

Life can get you down,  I myself have been through it. It happens. It happens to some people more than others. Usually it happens to the people that do not deserve it; which makes it much more confusing. But hey, this story isn't meant to scream poor me. A big topic for stories that I have heard about a lot recently is the topic of abandonment. This can really mess with someone mentally; and people always end up dealing with it in different ways. Sadly, most of the time, it sometimes make people fall into the easier path of doing negative things.

I, myself have been abandoned; in fact more than once. How does that happen? The people who ended up helping me out by taking me in,  ended up doing the same thing to me again. The first time, I was just left at a doorstep; the second, left without food or money to the point where I started losing weight. I am not just talking about the couple pounds that the weight scale may have misread. I am talking over fifteen pounds of weight just gone. If you knew me, you would say how you could get any skinnier. As you could imagine, this is a rough thing to go through. To this very day, I have had zero family there for me.  Back to what I said before, this story is not meant to scream poor me.

I did not fall in to the easy path of bad ways to overcome this tough obstacle that I faced. I cannot take all the credit though; because of all the people that I have lost in my life, I have met so many people and they have changed my life forever.  They have turned into my family and now I would not rather have it any other way. Also, I have some pretty awesome friends that I have met over the years and people that have been my friends almost forever; they have made things much easier for me. They have stuck by me through all of the difficult times. With them by my side, I can overcome anything. Without them, I have a strong feeling that I would not be in college right now, nor have a descent mindset about where I am going in life or how I can get there.

Everything happens for a reason, people come in and out of your life and no matter if it is a good thing or a bad thing, it is important to accept things and move on because you cannot let anyone bring you down.  You are the one who has control over what your future will bring. The things you go through make you who you are today. Now looking back, I am not mad about what has happened to me because it has impacted my life with just as much positive that it has negative. All because I just had hope that things would get better and they have.

________________
friend's note:

I will write another story soon. 
It will help me practice for the book that I will be writing.
Shout out to my best friend Princess for this awesome page!  She is forever doing big things and I have never been so proud of her. Sh3 izz daaa bombbbb.

Almost Perfect

I have always been a person who jumped from boy to boy, in and out of relationships and crushes. I had kissed like 15 people in my first two years of high school, which I know isn't crazy, but it makes me feel a little bad about myself.

Anyways, October 2011, I started dating my boyfriend who I promise is the love of my life. We started out slowly, but once we got fully comfortable around each other, we came to realize that we are the same person and we are perfect for each other. We've had a lot of trouble regarding parents and stuff, but after almost a year of all that drama, we are still together, and love each other. I can say I would die for him. I'm completely obsessed with him, and he is the same with me.

So we've been together for over a year and a half, and I have of course been very devoted to him. The only thing is, I still am kind of the same drifty old me. I know that I love him and I never want to leave him, but I do wish I had the freedom to maybe makeout with other people and stuff. I don't know. I do not want to lose my boyfriend, but I have been dreaming about another boy, and thinking about even a few others. I know my boyfriend would never ever do this to me (think about other people), and he even cried when he dreamed about cheating on me.

I love him, and I need him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I plan on it. I just wish my mind didn't drift off so easily.

"Call Me a Cynic"

I can’t even say I know exactly what brought this on. In all honesty, my life is pretty much right where I want it to be right now. Could it be that my own contentment is causing me to reach for something about which I can complain? I wouldn’t put it passed myself. But this lacks a target, a trigger or catalyst. It’s almost like my mind has been subconsciously stowing away these minute observations into little filing cabinets and now the piling-up has left me feeling so self-important I feel justified in my succeeding rant. Either way, it’s eating away at me and it’s going to happen.

I’d first like to note that the people whom I respect the most seem to believe the human race to be inherently good. These people live under the assumption that the world isn’t out to get them, that the other people with whom they come in contact have nothing to gain from hurting or exploiting or manipulating them. This arguably naïve logic is probably the source of my admiration. Or envy, depending on how you look at it. I trust no one. Like any way of thinking, it has its pros and cons, but living the “guilty until proven innocent” alternative is hardly an ideal way to go about new social interactions. I’m usually good at masking immediate judgment, but my gut instinct rarely fails me with regard to pinpointing someone’s character.

What happens, though, when what you want and what your instincts tell you to be true come into conflict? Better question. What happens when the conflict reveals itself and the former validates the latter? Why is it that, as humans, we tend to overlook the truth and hold to our beliefs that people are different from what they truly are? That they can honestly change? What makes us think we’re so special that we hold the ability, the right to make people change? And the parties expected to change or mold or accommodate (which includes everyone, at one time or another, really), why is it that, at times, we agree to do so even when we can’t honestly say we are willing and able?

I say “we” because I have been at both ends of the spectrum. I have believed that I could be better for someone, that I could mold myself to be what he wanted and needed to make it work because I was afraid and thought it was what I wanted. I have also been so over-confident that I believed I could be the one to change someone’s entire outlook on life and make him see that maybe he needed me as much as I needed him. I have both given and accepted hurt, and in many cases, it has been overlooked in order to achieve some future goal or hope or flawed perception of a desire. Hell, I could be blinded into believing someone could have changed right now, but I’m not about ready to delve into the topic of my forever-effervescent paranoia. What I don’t understand is why we put ourselves through these things, why we trust too much or too little or overlook logic when pertaining to matters of the heart. To gain experience? Because it’s familiar?

It makes my skin crawl to know that as I sit here, typing these obviously rhetorical questions and potentially sounding incredibly pretentious, this entire tirade will remain inconclusive. I won’t understand why we don’t have the innate ability to see when someone or something is untrue or not good for us. I won’t be any closer to grasping the concept of how a person can run right back to something even after realizing it will only do them more harm than good. Is the naivety a sign of vanity to the degree that we perceive a false possession of power, or a sign of weakness and fear of change? Contrarily, I’ll never understand why we put up walls, shut people out and not just let ourselves need every once in a while. And I’m not even meaning to single out romantic relationships here. I’m trying to find a balance between all human relations, between friends, family and the like.

I realize that I’m practically begging for some middle ground, which is not nearly as attainable as I’m making it sound. The idea of settling for something less than what is truly desired and deserved is just something that drives me up a wall. People will only change, not when pressure to do so is placed upon them, but when they want to change, and that will only happen when they know what they honestly and truthfully and genuinely want, when they find something or someone that seems worth it, and the change may not be a conscious effort. Does that make human beings a race unknowingly driven and powered by ulterior motive of self-benefit? Like you didn’t know! I guess the only conclusion here is that you may be able to open up and poke at a neurotic cynic’s mind, but little can be done to change the way it thinks.

"She is the most human person I know"

We started when I wasn't ready.

I had just been through a breakup, but I knew she wasn't a rebound. I held my breath through it for three months of it, because she was so good and I didn't know how to hurt her. We weren't all we could be, though. she always knew there was something off about me, lost eye contact, moments where the conversation seeped from the room and the silence wasn't easy. After i couldn't take it anymore, I told her I needed time because I didn't know how to heal myself when there was someone else there putting their own skin against the wound.

I told her not to wait but she did. quietly, on my periphery. We spoke like friends but we weren't quite that. I took four months to meditate and focus on what it means to be an individual. I healed. I saw her again in june, she came to see the new apartment and I sat next to her on the couch and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her.

I felt new, and I was ready. I was myself again, the regrets of winter and bitterness of fall settled into memories and she wasn't wanting without getting anymore because I was there.

Every other love I ever had or just held was too hot or too cold, burned and fizzled short and rocky. with her, though, it grew. It was not comfortable at first because we both put on a face for everyone that isn't our own but that began to melt when we were together and now I sometimes struggle to recognize my thoughts as separate from hers. She is the most human person I know. I recognize the sacredness in her as I recognize the sacredness in me. I don't know if we will be together forever, but that doesn't matter. I do know that we will be together until we have nothing left to learn from each other, whether that's two months or twenty years from now. She is everything i need in my life right now, and I grow with her every day.

Two Blocks Away from Explosions

On being 2 blocks from the explosions:

Man, my manager sucks. I've been yelling "Free Sabra hummus" for about 5 hours straight now. Everyone took their breaks already, and the person who's supposed to relieve me is nowhere to be found. I hate the location - this is not where we should be standing if we want to give out free hummus samples. We should be near the finish line, we should be in the crowd.

BOOM. What was that? Maybe it was some kind of military salute. Those are pretty common at high profile events. Or maybe some staging fell, that wouldn't be out of the ordinary. BOOM. There's the second one, surely it's some kind of sound off from the military. Let's see how many they do. Timing's a little off, but I think I can hear some cheering off in the distance.

"What do you mean they've blocked off the roads and you can't get back?" Damn, if you're going to lie to extend your break you could have come up with a better one. "Gimme the stuff, I'm going to go down to the finish line during my break and see if I can unload some stuff and go home faster. I don't care if the manager doesn't approve, I'll take responsibility."

"Explosions ... finish line...""Fire ... trash can...""Hello? I can't hear... service isn't...""Where are you? Where is everyone?""Blood was...""The officers told ... get out..."

My heart dropped as I looked around. These people weren't cheering, they were panicking.

"We're quitting for the day. Some people don't feel safe working, and it wouldn't make sense to give out things during a panic." Well, damn. Way to quit halfway through my break.

On my way back to my car, there were confused people everywhere. Most of them weren't from Boston, they just wanted the chance to prove themselves in a reputable marathon. Groups were gathering around officers. Stores, pubs, and restaurants were all filled with people watching and listening. Waiting, for someone to tell them what to do - where to go. The streets were packed with people trying to access their phones and trying to locate loved ones.

When I got home that evening, I made sure to update my social media so people knew I was okay, and to look up additional details about the event. Okay...two exploded bombs...over a hundred people injured...live footage of explosion...city in panic...one inactive bomb near Copley...

...oh my god...it could have been me. It could have been me a hundred times over. I had every chance to relocate the giveaways to the finish line, to sign up for a different promotional at the finish line, to work during my break at the finish line...but for some reason, none of that lined up - and I was spared for another day. The difference in being two blocks away and twenty feet away.

I am thankful. Thankful not only because I lived, but because I didn't have to be THERE. I didn't have to see the explosion, the blood, the panic, the death. I am thankful I am not traumatized with  those images, those sounds, those feelings.

When I think about it in passing, a lot of people asked me where the finish line was...I wish I gave them the wrong directions.

Middle Child

When I was younger, I always felt inferior to my older sister, and when my younger sister came along, she got anything she wanted. (One could argue she still does :) ) Any way I carried those feelings of not quite fitting in with my sisters for a while, and that definitely shaped my confidence at a young age.
I was always slightly overweight, while my older sister was slim. I was always afraid to ask my parents for something while my little sister would just throw what she wanted into the shopping cart. I could never get the guy I wanted, and neither of them had too much trouble with that. This developed into jealousy. I was a middle school girl, who dressed strange and had strange hair and was 100% jealous.
It made me realize what you can do to your own mind. I had set in stone that I wasn't good enough, when I actually just wasn't focusing on myself at all. I had the same issue with liking someone. I convinced myself for five years that I liked someone who wouldn't give me the time of day when there was someone better right there.
It didn't happen the way it should have. I hardly enjoyed my childhood. I always did exactly what was expected of me in attempt to better myself when I was really only conveniencing others.

I wish I could have done it on my own, but it took someone loving me completely. My parents have always loved me of course, but it took someone who didn't have to love me. I definitely centered my life around everyone else too much, and stressed myself out as a result, but it's nicer now to have an outside view of all that. I'm completely in control of how I feel, and I'm to blame for all those negative feelings. It took someone else, but it's better now.

Still Happy

My love story sounds like a little kid's love story.

I had met my boyfriend freshmen year through friends I never thought I'd date or even better yet fall and become in love with him. He was dating a friend of mine freshmen and this is why I didn't think much of him. A few years went by without ever really seeing or talking to him. Finally junior year, my friend was in my math class with him and we were introduced again. We were friends at first and it turned out he liked me but I had no idea. Come battle of the bands and I started liking him. We exchanged numbers that night to "talk" more.

One day I asked him hopefully who he liked thought text he replied, to be honest I like you, this made my heart beat so fast I replied with, I like you too.

After that we decided we were going to get to know each other more and he surprised me by asking me to be his girlfriend. One day after hanging him before class in the hallway, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course I said yes. That date was December 9, 2010. Here we are today Tuesday April 16, 2013!

My boyfriend and I, 2 years and 4 months later, are still happy, silly, comfortable with each other, and still together and in love.
❤❤❤❤

A Friend's Thoughts on Love

A lot of people hate Valentines Day. There have been years when I wasn’t crazy about it either. But I’ve come to realize that Valentines Day is a day to celebrate love. What’s bad about that?

I know it sounds like I’m about to get sappy, but I assure you this isn’t the case. I have a decidedly un-romantic view of love, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think the problem is that when people hear the word love, they automatically think romance. “Love at first sight”, and all that. And that’s what messes things up. Most people confuse romance with love. I don’t believe one equates the other. They are two very separate things. They do tend to compliment each other nicely. But also, they can just as often get in the way of each other.

I’m certainly not anti-romance. It’s a wonderful part of life. It gives you a euphoric feeling…a high. But that only lasts a short time. Once the euphoria is over, that’s when you really find out whether or not you love someone.

And I don’t believe there is more than one category of love. Whether it’s the love, we have for our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, or best friends, it’s all the same.

Today I received a valentine from my four-year old nephew, who I love dearly, and he loves me too. He often says so. To me, that’s what Valentines Day is all about.

Romance…that happens when it happens. And of course, when it does, it’s beautiful, and thrilling and all that. But love is far more important. And love isn’t always beautiful and fun. Sometimes it’s difficult. And other times we don’t even notice it’s there. But without it, we probably wouldn’t get through life.

So if you’re feeling badly today about the lack of love in your life, just think of all the people who mean something to you. Chances are, you already have plenty.

Self Proclaimed "Modest Home Wrecker"

I met him when I was in the eighth grade at a UMass band day. I was so uncomfortable because my first thought was "they put me right next to an attractive guy while I'm wearing a shako." I planned on ignoring that fact, but as we were playing he leaned over and said "if you play on the upper rim of the drum it's easier." That's right, my Prince Charming telling me I'm messing up. Well he afterward asked a friend my name and we would chat on Aim every now and then, mostly about music. That same year he got a girlfriend, and I was pretty sure I had to consider him off the market. For three years he stayed with her until I really started falling for him. I would skip lunch just to spend time with him, and he even stayed after for districts and went out to eat with me. We spent that whole afternoon around the school together. I would stay up until 3am texting him. Then one day on my formspring, someone asked me who I liked and why I didn't just go for them. I stupidly gave most of the story without using any names, and after they were through with their questions, I got a Facebook message from him. He said the questions were from his girlfriend, and that he didn't really like me in that way and he was sorry if he lead me on. It was absolutely the worst, and most embarrassing day of my life. About a week went by of sort if awkwardness when I got a text from him saying he was done with Liz. He told me about everything, including how tough it was to leave her because she was going through a rough time. He never intended for it to go on that long and she had made him send me that Facebook message. He was able to take a break, but still felt bad, so it went for quite some time. He asked me if we could just be really good friends - not implying anything extra than simple friendship because I don't do that. I agreed even though I wanted him as my own. I went about my last year of high school, not talking to him nearly as  much as I would have liked to, but I had to accept that he was having a hard time breaking someone's heart. During the early winter of my last year in high school, he texted me out of the blue, about an issue I had with a teacher that had long since been resolved. It was strange, but I told him that it was fine. He then asked me if I still liked him which hadn't been a topic of choice for over a year. My heart was racing as I said "I know I could, but I can't go through the same thing all over again."

He broke the news to me. He had finally left her. He still had feelings for me. He was surprised about the fact that he never stopped thinking about me and considering me. He wanted to take things slow, but he wanted something. I jumped out of bed and shook my younger sister awake in the wee hours of the morning because I needed to tell SOMEBODY. My heart was exploding. After that night he would come see me at work, every time I worked. He would hang around and talk to my dad, who was my boss at the time, and wait for me to come back from waiting tables.

There was one night at that restaurant that I sat out in his truck with him for three hours just talking for what felt like two minutes. He was so easy to be around. Two days after my birthday he asked me to be his girlfriend, and almost a year later, I love him just as much as I did all of those nights before. :)

Summer of 2010

It was the start of summer and I had no care in the world. I just graduated from an awesome year of high school and my expectations for the summer were just filled with parties and hanging out. Never would I have thought it would be filled with romance and battles that later would come to pass. Love and I never really mixed because the girl I always wanted never want me and the girls that are interested, I pay no mind to, so you can say I was a hopeless romantic to keep it short. But on June 18, this would all change.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was about 9 in the morning and I was woken up to a text from my aunt saying there's a family friend coming over from France to stay a month to check out the states. But one particular part I remember was when she mentioned that family friend brought a daughter and that she was cute. Instantly I was like is she my age!? pleaaassee let her be my age!, my aunt replied by saying she wouldn't mention it if she wasn't. This feeling in my stomach started to flutter I was instantly anxious to meet her. from then on that morning turned into a wild prep session of running around trying to find the perfect thing to wear I ended up just wearing white t shirt with some sun glasses. in my head I had a somewhat of an idea of how she would look like from what my aunt was telling me but nothing would prepare me to when I actually meet her. I took the bus to my aunt's house and I was contemplating on whether or not I should get some flowers because I was so sure that guys from France usually do that but then I thought no because I didn't want to come off too strong. Haha, as you can tell I was a nervous wreck. I got to the house and to my surprise no one was home… I asked my uncle where everyone went, and he told me that everyone went grocery shopping. My anticipation grew and I heard the front door open… my aunt came in smiling at me. And then there she was… my eyes had never seen anything so beautiful before. Her hair dangling by her sweet small ears, the chin piercing that would look weird on anybody else, but her no... Not her... She made that a part of her beauty as well. And the way her eyes connected with mines and that smile she had made me melt like a snow cone on a warm summer day. My aunt introduced us then I saw her lips move and  "nice to meet you”. I swear my heart took off from there, she had me. You know they say French is the language of romance but I think it's that English accent that gets us American boys haha.

From then on I was hooked and stage one began, "the chase".

Our first conversation was also adorable now that I think about it haha. I saw her sitting in my grandparent's room on the laptop just surfing the net and so right then and there I decided to really talk to her. I sat down and started asking her a billion questions about how France was and if she had any plans while in the states and then I noticed a strange look on her face. It was the same look I had when I'm in math class and Mr. Boardman pulled out a new equation for us to learn, completely dumb founded! haha she said in somewhat ok English that she was still learning and that I needed to slow down. I couldn't stop laughing I was so embarrassed and so was her! Her laugh was like music to my ears… I wanted to hear it all the time. I told myself I had to find some way to talk to her better and so I did the next best thing. I scooted over next to her pointed at the laptop to use and started using Google translate to get my point across haha sitting next to her felt so warm and I remembered a faint whiff of coconuts coming off from her but I couldn't tell where.

We were asking each other questions like teens through aim instant message except we were right next to each other. And then right after that was when I got this strange sixth sense about how this relationship was going to be a little more tricky than my other encounters with the opposite sex. Her grandmother came in and gave me this look and her aura felt very intimidating. She asked her what she was doing and that I was too close… and the very next thought I had in my head was "great, an over protective grandmother…"

It was apparent that her grandmother didn't like me and worse that she was over protective, so that meant every moment I spent with her I was being monitored and my every action critiqued and criticized. I didn't care what she thought or said about me. That girl was the only thing on my mind and I would do anything to make her smile.

From then on we would go behind her grandmothers back and constantly give each other signals that we were definitely interested in each other. And just the excitement of not getting caught added to the romance of the warm summer air. I felt truly alive when I was with her and completely in love… I remember bugging her about her accent and saying she sounded like Dracula. It didn't make sense at all but it so was cute to see her frustrated that I couldn't stop haha and then that day came when I got the clear message from her that all my effort in trying to impress her was working.

This day came when we were all heading to six flags for July 4th to catch the fireworks. Of course her grandmother was on guard duty so I spent the whole day trying to talk to her and show her around but her grandmother always called her back. Yeah I knew it was a challenge but I wasn't giving up that easily. I had a song I found online and I wanted to show her because it was French song and it sounded so sweet. So then the perfect time came for us to meet up. It was when everyone was trying to find there spot to look at the fireworks over the lake, so as you know it was moment of madness and there I can slip a little alone time with her. I saw her walking in the crowd to where the fireworks were being held and I came from behind and grabbed her hand and pulled her out.

I remember that very moment it was so magical… my hand holding her hand…her gripping even tighter as if I was saving her from the clutches of her grandmother's watchful eye and I looked back to only see her smile right back at me… it was just like the movies but better…I took her to one of those game booths right by the lake to show her my impressive skills of hooking toy fishes with a magnet! haha She was sitting on the counter booth with her legs stretched out and her hands over knees watching me as if she knew I was trying really hard to impress her. Maybe she didn't or she did but her smile and eyes said everything. To no prevail I wasn't that good at the game and kept winning small prizes, I had to do something. So as she was going to buy a soda pop at one the other booths and I slip the dude who was working there a thirty for one of those big pink teddy bear prizes. She came back and was so surprised to get a huge prize but she instantly gave me this look of disbelief because I lost so many times. I just shrugged and told her I just got lucky. Then Boom! A stream of flickering light shot up in the sky and burst into a million beautiful sparks.

Fourth of July fireworks started! But the funny thing was I didn't really remember the whole show I was distracted by just how the colorful lights would shine off her face and how it would make her eyes glitter. Right after the show, we went to a bench and sat so I can show her the song I've been waiting so patiently for her to hear. This song was called Comme des infant by Coeur Des Pirate. That song later became the anthem of the summer and what we called “our” song. We had one headphones in each other ears and I remembered right in the middle of the song my hands moved closer to hers till I eventually held it on my lap… pulled her towards me so she knew I wanted her attention… I stared at her lips and noticed she was biting it which was sooo lack of a better choice of words… sexy… I leaned in and right then and there our lips touched for as long as what felt like a lifetime. I didn't want this to end… I remembered finally figuring out where that hint of coconut came from and it was from her rich luscious lips…

I finally got the girl…

Our summer after that was filled with life and adventure. Even though we didn't really understand each other, our body language said it all. Her smile when she thinks I'm cute… the way she stands holding her hands around because she's shy… her assertiveness when she finally stood up to her grandmother. All characteristics of someone who you can fall madly in love with… we spent our time cuddling alone sharing thoughts and emotions we had at the time. What she wanted to be and how she wanted to go to Italy to see the great arts at Venice. It was ironic because I remembered studying the gothic and renaissance art in a summer program I had and Venice was my ideal study spot I wanted to see. So we had a lot to talk about. Also, she wanted to be a child doctor because of her love for children and she showed me her little nieces and nephews back home and they were soo cute. It's just I never thought that I would be in a relationship like this because of my so many attempts and fails. People who knew me already think I'm loud and obnoxious, but in all honesty I'm shy and quiet. I just have too much pride to let people know who I really am… but with her... I could start out fresh… and just be little ole me.

We didn't really talk about when she would leave even though the day counting down to it was getting closer… because I knew I would see her again someday… also we talked about love and how I didn't really know what love is… and how she didn't know either… but I did tell her… whatever love is… this must be it because I never felt this way about anyone before let alone have somebody else feel the same way for me…
The summer came to an end and all I can remember was the departure at the airport… tears rolling down my face because I knew I would miss her everyday… our long kiss in front of her grandmother which she didn't like at all haha oh well. And me screaming, au revoir my love! really loud at the airport and didn't give a damn who was listening because her love made me want to scream it so that everyone knew that she was mine…

Even though we went our different paths and leading other relationships, we can both say that summer of 2010 was our summer and no one can take that away from us and I will never…ever… forget her…

Schoolboy Crush

Back in September, when college started for me, I still remember my first physics class at my university. My physics class was in a weird set up with circular tables in a large room where the professor would broadcast himself onto a series of flat screen TVs that lined the walls. So naturally, it was easier to get to know everyone than it is in a large lecture hall set up or even in a classroom set up. It was also a class that only physics and astronomy majors were allowed to take.

Directly across from me on my table, I noticed this girl, and I immediately thought she was really pretty. The next couple classes, she didn't sit on my table, but every time I went to class I would always try to catch a glance of her before and after. On Tuesday of my third overall week of classes, my physics lab started up. It was in a similar sort of room as my regular physics class. I noticed she was in it, so naturally, I hoped that she would end up in my lab group, or at least on my table. I hadn't talked to her at all yet and I didn't even know her first name. I don't know if it was by pure chance, or because I tried standing near her when the lab professor was arranging the lab groups, but I ended up sitting on the same table with her sitting directly across from me. Unfortunately, we weren't on the same lab team, but at least each pair of lab teams on each table got a chance to collaborate with each other (we also ended up adopting our lab seating arrangements in my regular physics class).

It must have been that first day of lab that I realized that I wasn't going through some fleeting thing I would forget about. I had a serious crush on this girl.

After the 2nd lab I asked her what her name was, she told me, and then I clammed up and didn't say anything else. I badly wanted to start a conversation with her but I really couldn't. Over then next couple months, that veil sort of broke and we did end up in a few short conversations. However, nothing developed between us. I was mostly just trying to figure out how to work up the courage to express some affection and not clam up every time it's just the two of us. I thought she was absolutely beautiful. Yes, I've been attracted to girls before, but she was the first girl I've thought to myself as beautiful. She's about my height, with dark brown/black hair, brown eyes, and very slightly tan skin. I admit it, I also thought she was very hot. But the thing that grabbed my attention the most was her smile. It gives her a radiance that really supersedes everything in her physical appearance. From the conversations I've had with her I was able to gather that she's rather soft spoken, very nice, and approachable. She also seemed like the type of person that's very open minded and comfortable in her own skin. I also thought it was adorable how she swooned over or physics professor (he was the kind of guy everyone loved). I suppose she's also somewhat artsy, but you really couldn't tell just from looking at her. She very unremarkable in the way she dresses and yet she doesn't wear the uggs, leggings, north face jacket combo that's apparently a school uniform in most large state colleges. She's also a physics major, and a deans listed honors college student. To my delight, she also happens to be from a town next right next to home. But all in all, I'm really frustrated that I don't know her better. Who am I to decide that this girl is so perfect for me, when I'm merely acquainted with her? 

So on December 3rd, with the encouragement of a friend in my physics class who also lives on my floor, at asked her she was willing to go out to dinner with me sometime. She said yes, we exchanged numbers, and I felt elated. It was also really a shot in the dark since I didn't know if she was single (apparently she was). She doesn't have a facebook or a twitter as far as I know. Unfortunately it was the week before finals, so we really didn't have time. So then I hoped we could meet over vacation, but we never did. However, we did text a little every few days. Unfortunately, for the first part of the vacation she was visiting a friend in Boston, and then for the second half she was visiting family in California. She offered to meet me in Boston, but I decided not to. My reasoning was that I didn't want to interfere and frankly, I didn't want to risk getting stood up a forty minute train ride from home. 

Once we got back to school, we ended up having brunch together one Saturday, so near the end of it, I flat out said, "I have to confess, I really like you." She seemed flattered by this, but she said that she really only thought of me as a friend and that she wasn't ready to date me. So, I acted cool with that. I just told her, that I really just wanted to get to know her not to worry and that I really just want to get to know her better. Fortunately, she was open to hanging out with me more often. 

I really want to just befriend her at this point, so I at least have a better idea of who she really is.

Digital Love

Almost 4 years ago, near the end of freshman year, I had gotten majorly into online gaming. In the game, it was common to have silly little fake relationships thanks to the perk in game that were available. So I met this guy. We decided to go through the whole process just so we could get the prizes at the end. During that time, we talked quite a bit. We added each other on MSN and skype, and I talked to him more than anyone else. He lived in Texas, and he was 17, almost 3 years older than I am.

After a while, we decided that we couldn't just be friends anymore, and so our long distance relationship started.

It was a secret to most for the first year, as I feared not only my mother's disapproval, but the crushing sentence I've heard many times since then: "He could be cheating on you and you'd never know." Over the past years, we have stuck together despite our distance, our hardships, our disagreements and full on fights. He's taught me a lot about how tough the world is, and I've helped him go back to school and get his high school diploma. 

After the first year, I finally told my mother, who surprisingly was very supportive even if she had her doubts. There was a time during sophomore year that a person we both knew at my school who tried spreading rumors that my boyfriend was fake. Most people don't take my relationship seriously, saying that it will never work out, but there's not a day that goes by where we don't talk to each other. He is also my first boyfriend. I had never had another one before him, and I hope to never need another one. Not a single moment were I've regretted my decision. 

Its a hard relationship to be in and I often envy those who can just hug their boyfriends whenever they want, but we haven't given up yet. Our anniversary is on April 20th, and it will be 4 years.

High School Sweetheart

I fell in love with my high school sweet heart.

We graduated, got engaged, planned a wedding, spoke of children. We live by a routine where I could almost time every kiss and embrace. We haven't touched each other in months besides our holding hands on car rides. I fell in love with a boy I met in high school and found myself with a man I do not love.

I do however love a man that's completely unattainable and of course it's unrequited. But he is an amazing man in every way possible and though we are just friends, I live for our occasional days spent together. When he talks he is true honesty, when I listen to his words, it is nothing less of pure passion. And when I'm with him, I am a better person. I can't be with anyone else. If ever there was a perfect match, it would be this, but I belong to a boy I fell in love with years ago and he will never know anything of my love. Today my thoughts are with him.